Previously, I discussed the 10 worst and 10 best new women’s Halloween costumes for 2013. Now it’s time to turn our attention to the men. Surprisingly, guys don’t have as many horrible costume choices — but they still exist. While the worst women’s costumes failed because they tried to make things like Ron Burgundy sexy, these men’s costumes fail not for trying to make guys sexy, but for making them look like total and utter douchebags. That said, let’s get into the ten worst new men’s costumes for this year.
10. Zestyville Farms Ketchup Bottle
Well, like the number 10 spot on the worst women’s costumes, this is like something you might see in a child’s school play. Except, unlike with the Crayola crayon costume, this is off-brand ketchup. Playa please, if you can’t even be bothered to dress up like a bottle of Heinz, I ain’t even got time for you.
9. Shark Costume
Like a mascot costume gone horribly wrong, you decided to dress up like a shark. Good job, you and my 5lb Yorkshire Terrier have the same Halloween costume. Except my dog is cute and you are wearing a costume where you can’t even hold a beer to a Halloween party. I hope some frat guy dressed as a hurricane comes and punches you in the face.
8. Sulley from Monsters University
Rounding out the first three horrible choices and the collection of weird mascot-esque is this officially licensed yet half-assed Sulley costume. First of all, why Monsters University when he’s not even wearing his Letterman jacket? Second of all, SULLEY DOESN’T WEAR PANTS. I mean, if you’re going to license a Monsters University costume, why not make it full body? Is it because it wouldn’t be super tight around your junk like a superhero costume? Well, whatever. I think the model’s apologetic half-shrug and “I’m sorry I’m a douchebag” facial expression say plenty enough without me ranting on about this costume.
7. Gangam Star
If you cannot dance like Psy does in the Gangam Style video, don’t even talk to me if you are wearing this costume. Actually, don’t talk to me at all. Period.
6. Duck Dynasty Si
The problem with officially licensed costumes is that they are often the worst choices ever. I mean, anyone who wants to be a redneck dude from Ducky Dynasty for Halloween already probably has a stupid camo vest and matching hat. Think of all the money you’re missing out on with no Game of Thrones officially licensed costumes. But no, instead we get rednecks.
Unless your date for Halloween is Nicki Minaj, I want to see exactly zero people dressed up like the Pope. By the way, since there are plenty of sexy nun costumes, where’s my sexy Pop costume? Oh, right, it doesn’t exist because only women have to sexualize themselves for Halloween, not men. Sorry, I forgot.
Why would anyone think this was a good idea? “Hmmm, what’s a Halloween costume that I can buy that will offensively perpetuate horrible stereotypes about a different cutlure? — I know! Matador! TO THE COSTUME SHOP!”
3. Pregnant Bodysuit
The description for this costume reads as follows: “When you’re looking for a funny costume, the best ones are always sure to be somewhat of a surprise. Send them all into shock when you decide to start your look with this Pregnant Bodysuit Adult Mens Costume.” Why is this costume funny? Is it because you’re a man, but now you have a costume with a pregnant belly? Well, the joke’s on you, you’ve just helped to actualize at least 15,000 mpreg slash fanfictions that exist on the Internet.
2. Mr. D-Head
I know that I said this is a list of costumes that will make you look like a douchebag, and I was originally going to put the “Twerk Suit” (AKA Robin Thicke) costume here as number 2, but then I saw this costume. If you wear this costume, you are literally a dick. Please someone put a plastic bag over that head, we all need a little protection from you.
1. Tonto from Disney’s Lone Ranger
Even the guy modeling this costume looks apologetic. Disney‘s The Lone Ranger was probably one of the largest movie flops for Disney — and of 2013 as well. With a budget of somewhere between $225-250 million and box office earnings of just a little over $255 million (only $166 million in the US), you have to wonder if Disney really thought there was any revenue in making officially licensed Halloween costumes for this film. I mean, sure, Johnny Depp usually sells, but if even Johnny Depp can’t save your crappy movie, nobody’s going to want to dress up as his weird white-face Native American character. Please, just go put on your Captain Jack Sparrow costume and be done with it.
And there you go. Some of the worst, douchiest costumes that are new for 2013. Join me next time as we explore a more cheerful subject: the 10 best new men’s Halloween costumes.