Have you ever looked forward to a film’s release so much that you were almost afraid to see it for fear of it being atrocious? It happens to me all the time and usually involves characters or stories that I’ve been a fan of my entire life. The examples are too numerous to mention but I’ve decided to figuratively take one at a time, beat it with a hammer until it submits and bury the remains in a landfill. Now, I am not usually one to include spoilers in my articles, but when a film reaches a certain level of cataclysmic suckitude, I consider that beast fair game and will shoot to eviscerate! So, what is my first pick for public execution? One of the most frustratingly bad films in recent memory, the one, the only… Spider-Man 3!
This one had me worried from the moment little details started to slip out on the interwebs. The Sandman announcement was good and the casting of Thomas Hayden Church was even better (since he was a dead ringer for Flint Marko!) but then something horrifying happened. They revealed that this guy—
Would play this guy—
To say I had my doubts about this casting choice would be a ginormous understatement, as Topher Grace, in no way, shape or form, had the appearance, build or acting chops to pull off Eddie Brock much less Venom! (And, yes, I know that Venom was a CGI character but his alter ego was not a frail, little hipster in the source material so the point is moot!) These are the rules, people, I make ‘em up! Then, when I heard that James Franco would be stepping onto the glider of Green Goblin, I had a mini meltdown! Anyone who knows anything about superhero films knows that too many crooks spoil the suit! (Sorry, I was trying to make a clever food metaphor there. Well, it kind of works, right?) Why do those who make these films not know the basics? Was nothing learned from that steaming pile of puss that is Batman and Robin? (By the way, I’ll get to that one someday soon.) I tried to put all of these things out of my mind and focus on the positive. I mean, Tobey and Kirsten wouldn’t let us down! They couldn’t! Actually, they…could…
Yeah, remember the “web bed” from the trailer? It was so cool looking! But that was just a trailer. Not much dialogue in there. The movie, on the other hand, was full of talk. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! And the exchanges between the two co-stars were on such an Ani-and-Amadala level of awful that, at some point, I actually wished Mary Jane would die so the cheesy dialogue would stop! And then there was the crying. Mary Jane Watson cried. Peter Parker cried. Flint Marko cried. Everybody cried! Hell, even I cried! Tears of suffering and pain during the film and tears of joy when it ended! They took a fun film franchise and book-ended it with a soap opera full of feelings and brooding. And we didn’t even see Spider-Man for two-thirds of the film! So, all of that is awful, I know, but I haven’t even touched on the dance sequence yet.
That’s right, kids! Peter, for no apparent reason whatsoever, breaks into an impromptu dance number that starts in the street and ends in a night club. (I couldn’t bear to look at a picture of it so I used this series of images from Saturday Night fever instead. Peter jauntily dances down the street to Stayin’ Alive so, what the hell’s the difference?) While watching this in a theater, that was the point where I completely checked out. I said, out loud, “Oh, fuck off?!” and I wasn’t alone. A chorus of groans and expletives could be heard throughout the theater, and that was just the children!
There is so much to hate about this movie that it’s exhausting. From the high-in-fiber diarrhea cloud that was supposed to be Sandman (you think maybe the Green Lantern guys stole that brilliant idea?!) to the complete lack of an explanation regarding the alien symbiote (Two words – Secret Wars!), I was left confused, angry and betrayed by a film about one of my favorite, childhood superheroes. I’ve seen it once and will never see it again. And with that, I offer you this picture of whale feces with a face…
To everyone involved, you should be ashamed and embarrassed, but I know you aren’t because the film made a fortune. (God bless the mighty dollar!) Finally, I say, with great love and respect… piss off, Spider-Man 3! With great power comes great responsibility and you geniuses behind this debacle screwed the pooch!