The Worst Holiday Gifts Imaginable

Sometimes it’s hard buying gifts for your friends and family, even when we so generously provided you with a great holiday gift guide. You want so much to buy something unique and special, and sometimes it just feels like a generic gift card won’t cut it, no matter how impossible your father-in-law is to shop for. So, what do you do? Sometimes, in desperation, we reach for gifts that should never be given. For some reason, these things feel like a good idea to someone, but trust me: they aren’t. Here are some of the worst gift ideas for this holiday season.

My Twinn Doll

My Twinn, the doll that gives Chucky nightmares.

My Twinn, the doll that gives Chucky nightmares.

Granted, I thought that a create-your-own-Muppet was both awesome and terrifying, but this gift is just terrifying. The idea is that you can buy a custom-made doll for your child that is made to look just like them. But, of course, because it’s a doll, it doesn’t look exactly like your child — it looks like your child, but creepy as fuck. The worst part is, not only can you get a doll that looks like your child, you can also buy your child and their doll matching clothes. This poses a very serious question:

What is wrong with society that this is allowed to exist?!

Please, please trust me when I say that this is not a cute and fun idea. It’s a horrible, creepy gift.

 

Dream Man Arm Pillow

Dream Man Arm Pillow

“Forever alone” pillow.

Nothing says, “You are single and will be alone forever, so here’s a sad gift to remind you of your eternal loneliness” like the Dream Man Arm Pillow. This pillow is shaped like a disembodied torso — but with just one arm and only half of the torso because, come on, let’s not go crazy here. It even comes with blue, red, and black shirts to change the Dream Man into depending on your mood. Here are some really telling five-star reviews from Overstock.com:

 

I had never spooned before until i received my new fluffy companion. What a find!
 
I’m told the pillow was modeled after Brad Pitt, and I believe it! When I first nestled against the soft, but firm chest of my new ‘husband’ I slept better than I ever had before. Now I don’t mind when my husband goes out of town!

Of course, there are some complaints as well:

cute idea, but comfort wise, it’s an ok pillow. I hope they will make a whole man pillow with longer arms. Now, that I would be first in line to purchase.

In fact, many of the reviewers long for a full-body version of the Dream Man. If that ever happens, I hope that they name him “Forever Alone Man.

 

Ostrich Pillow

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t have anything against sleep. I seem to have singled out pillows but the truth is that it has nothing to do with the fact that they are pillows; the reason you see the Magic Man Arm Pillow and now the Ostrich Pillow on this list is because they would both make horrible holiday gifts.


This pillow, which started out as a Kickstarter project is a microfiber “environment” that you can put your head and hands into (don’t worry, it has a face hole so you can still breathe) so that the owner can take a “cozy and comfortable power nap at ease.” I am not making any promises, but I am 99.9% certain that if you were to wear this on, say, the subway, you would be robbed. And if you wore it anywhere else, you would look pretty damn ridiculous. With that in mind, why would you want to gift someone with a ridiculous pillow to a friend or loved one? Wearing this pillow in public would give them a douche bag status far above that of even the most annoying devices, such as a bluetooth headset. If the person you think needs this travels a lot, chances are they already have a neck pillow and an eye mask or dark sunglasses. If not, try going for those instead; at least then you wouldn’t be spending $100 on the most ridiculous pillow since the Dream Man Arm Pillow.

 

Teddy Bear Lamp

Teddy Bear Lamp

The Lamp of Nightmares

Our assistant editor, Perry, brought this one to my attention. In his words:

Looking for a gift for that special child in your life? How about this beauty? The Teddy Bear Lamp from www.suck.uk.com is everything you need to permanently scar a little tyke for life, psychologically and, perhaps, physically. That’s right, some genius decided to rip the head off of an adorable teddy bear and replace it with a light fixture, which will ensure endless nightmare-filled nights and hours of therapy as an adult. And let us not forget the electrical wiring and white-hot light bulb so dangerously close to faux fur! Double the fire danger, double the fun! Now, I’m all for child endangerment as much as the next guy but there is a real concern here. The Teddy Bear Lamp costs £100 (that’s $161.03 American, people!) which is much too large an expenditure despite the positives. So if you really want this one go ahead but please stop and think about it first. For the same amount of money you could buy some shiny, new power tool to give that kid as a gift. Drill, baby, drill!

Of course, Perry is joking, but still. Don’t buy this unless you have plenty of money to invest in therapy for your child. This is almost as creepy as the My Twinn Doll. Almost.

What are some horrible gifts you’ve received over the years? Or items you’ve come across that have made you wonder who, exactly, in their right mind would buy such a thing? Feel free to share your own horrible gift ideas in the comments below.

Tiarra Joslyn

In a hole in the ground lived a Tiarra. Well, actually, it was a house in a valley called Las Vegas, but who’s keeping track? Desiring adventure, unlike many Las Vegas natives, Tiarra married the love of her life and took an unexpected journey across the country to live in the DC Metro area. Her hobbies include crocheting, singing songs to her cats, and Fus Roh Dah-ing dragons. What Tiarra doesn’t know about Star Trek isn’t worth knowing.

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2 Responses

  1. Iris says:

    The My Twinn Doll would make a great gag gift, but it is creepy.

    The ostrich pillow is ridiculous. I couldn’t imagine using it at the office if I did nap there. I’d be the workplace laughingstock if they found me with my head and arms stuffed in a weird microfibre “environment”. Not to mention the messy hair afterward.

    I also don’t get how people nap in public places in my workplace, on the subway, or anywhere. I’d fear someone would grab my handbag and belongings, as I’m a sound sleeper.

  2. Wow! That teddy bear lamp is just screaming home owners insurance nightmare in my head every time I look at that bloody thing. And that is on top of the blasted thing looking creepy as fuck. Maybe not as creepy as the my twin doll – that is just ridiculous and vain on so many levels – but close enough that it would give some kids nightmares for years to come.

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